by Dr Gayle Claxton
This topic is very close to my heart, simply because it has been an experience I have had to walk through over several years.
I have been in full time ministry now for 38 years. Approximately 5-6 years ago, I went through a season in my life where I questioned everything about my life, my ministry, who I really was, and where I was headed in life.
It started off really very slowly at first without me even realising how great a storm was about to hit. Looking back now with 20/20 vision, I ask myself how did I not see it coming? But the truth was I did not! And when it hit, it hit with full force! It was one blow after the other. Just when I thought I could lift my head above the water, bam, the next blow came. So, it went on with months of relentless accusations, rejection, misunderstanding, and an absolute feeling of loneliness. Yes, sure I had people who walked through this with me and who carried me in prayer, and without them I would not be where I am today, but this did not mean that I didn’t feel the finger of the accuser, who the Word says accuses me day and night. It did not mean that in the early hours of the morning when I could not sleep, that loneliness and sorrow did not overtake my heart. Many mornings I woke up with a tight knot in my stomach, wondering what storm would batter me today in this already fragile state. The battle was relentless, so was the unwarranted criticism and the gossip that also went around.
Let me just say right here before minds wander, that I had not committed any sin or immoral conduct, I had not stolen money, or been defiant to my call and the Holy Spirit, I was simply in a battle for my calling and my survival.
It is true to say that many of these storms were created because of the stand I took regarding my relationship with the Lord and my moral compass. These were non-negotiable. However, just because I was acting within my moral compass and serving the Lord, it did not make the battle any less fierce. It is also true to say that I also contributed to the storm when I acted out of anger and frustration, justifying it as, “I am also human”, or “God, I can’t take this anymore!”, and so I took my responses into my own hands and reacted to situations which in many cases only added fuel to the fire. As the battles raged daily, I got deeper and deeper into the valley. I could see no way out, but through it all I refused to give up on my relationship with the Lord. So, every day I would purposefully set time aside in the morning and read the Word aloud to myself to help me keep focused, although many times it was like reading the newspaper. But, I did it, because the Word of God has life! I would spend time praying – even though I felt like nothing seemed to change. I did it day in and day out knowing this was my only hope in this time of my need.
Again, and again, the Lord would speak to me – “Though you go through the valley of the shadow of death you will fear no evil”. Each day I would pray, “Lord, how long is this valley”? I am sure there are some of you reading this right now and you know just what I mean.
After what seemed an eternity and the battles were still raging, I heard again the Voice of the Holy Spirit in my turmoiled heart say, “Peace, be still”. It was right at the moment I spoke to my own spirit and said “Be Still in the peace of Jesus”. It was a light switch moment. The battle was still raging, but my heart was calm. It was from that moment that God began to share a deep revelation with me from His Word. Not only that, but as peace like a river came over my soul, and emotions that I can’t explain, God also began His work of restoration on and in my heart. This was painful because it meant me seeing how I was, and God was making me into a better version of who I was. In the pain of the storms, and complete isolation in loneliness, the Holy Spirit began to work on me, turning my pain into joy, my sorrow to laughter. He began to create a better version of me in the valley, so that when the time came for the mountain top, people would see Jesus! It was a process – a long process. I often wondered why this had happened? I no longer ask this question, I am just thankful that God in His love and kindness, reached down and invested into me on a personal level that no human could have done, and because of that the change is for His Glory!
Let me encourage you, no matter how many years you have been walking with the Lord, God is invested in you to make you more like Jesus – a better version of yourself. Even though the water rages and the seas roar and the finger of accusation is pointed, it has been finished at the Cross for you and for me, but we must be willing to press through in worship and prayer, and engage our spirit with the Holy Spirit. When you come out on the other side, people will see a better version of you because of Jesus!
Keep pressing in, don’t give up like I was ready to do. The valley is a season – the mountain tops will come, because God is Faithful and He who began a good work in you, (if you allow it,) will complete it.
Take courage and know you’re not alone in the battles – and there is a hope and future for us all in Christ Jesus our Lord and Saviour.
